On the spur of the moment

I don't really know what I'm doing anymore.

Why does it dawn on me that what I've done is hyprocritical, why do I get this feeling that you're giving out subtle signs that you hate being "betrayed".

I don't know exactly what I'm doing here.

I wasn't trying to do anything I didn't intend. Somehow, something keeps overwhelming me with possibly irrational thoughts. I wasn't ignoring. Well, I was trying not to ignore. It was totally unachievable.

And on the spur of the moment, I feel I should go back to what I was. I feel like not being associated with anyone would put me in a more advantageous position, where I wouldn't be accused of betraying anyone or being some selfish hypocrite. After all, I never had anything to do with you in the first place, right?

I don't understand why it is so difficult to return to my previous self. Back then I never talked enough to hurt anyone, I never did anything to possibly harm anyone. I never had any usual "friends" I could hang out with, I was always alone.

Alone. I liked the solitude.

But I realized something, there'll come a time where you won't get anywhere by yourself. Which is why I so painstakingly forced myself to talk more, because this is what everyone says. Talk more, you're too quiet. It's not something innate. I couldn't just suddenly be able to talk and converse well with people. In so doing, I think somehow, I forced out any words I could think of, to the extent I don't know I actually trespassed their sensitive zone. I believe I possess some charactersistics identified in the diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, and well, I'd say that doesn't help much.

That's when I started Final Fantasy XI. I didn't need to converse with people face to face. I could do so online, represented by my alter-ego, my character in the game. It's safe to say the game changed my life a lot, because I met a lot of people I couldn't meet otherwise. Many people actually had an impact on me, many I respected or just had lots of fun with. It also changed my view on things and the world, made me more open-minded and more familiar with things I wouldn't know being cooped up in this country.

I guess my topic kinda strayed a little. What was my topic to begin with anyway?

Ah yes, talking about Final Fantasy XI sparked me up, I don't really feel all that lousy anymore. But my point still remains. This isn't just a one-time thing. It's a recurring event, and it's bound to catch me off guard at some point.

I don't know what'll happen then. Meh, I shouldn't even think about it.

On the bright side, 2 papers down, only Java left. And then a 2 month break.

I'm willing to bet peoples' dispositions will change once our second year begins. It was never set in stone anyway, eh?

Can I even say anything?

Tell me the definition of a friend, because I think, I've gotten the whole concept wrong.

Or should I say, your definition.

I don't want to care about all these little things, because honestly, they are ubiquitous. Precisely so that I want to ignore it. But some people just have to bring up all these petty annoyances every single time.

While I agree different people have different definitions of the word 'friend', I'm sorry to say that yours might be a little far-fetched.

I'll tell ya what I think, I'd say it's jealousy. Jealous that someone just stole your precious gems away from you for a day or so. And no, I never signed my name against the slip of the anti-hero in your story.

Whatever it is, don't end up doing stupid things that only you can think of. And don't say I didn't warn you.

Yeah, I'm gonna ignore whatever foolish acts you're gonna draft up.

I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes.